* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules