Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story