*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
if i dont respond to your reply to my tweet it is for one of two reasons:
1. the conversation is over, there is nothing left to say
2. you stumped me. i cant think of a witty response. you won.
but i will NEVER be disclosing which is which
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
January has been Januweary
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If you need a laugh.. 😅