Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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My five year plan is a meteorite
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.