triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
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The old gods are rising again.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.