Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
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Hamburger Hinderer.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant