Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
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Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets