*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
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some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.