*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
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cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Need WebMD
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
ibopfufen
the battle rages on
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.