*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle