Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.