Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice