Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[shakes fist at other fist]
kevin is now a local weatherman
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
You learn something every day
