Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car