Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
That lamp looks PISSED.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did