triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
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Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
☠️☠️☠️
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
i wonder why they stopped looking
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”