triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.