triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
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just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.