triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
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My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Last-minute gift idea!
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.