Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Hey i am sexy to you now

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

I think about this a lot

White parent Vs Arab parents

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year