Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?