Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Somedays I just love AI so much

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

happy halloween

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.