trivia
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The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.