Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.