trivia
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ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven