Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Breakfast in bed.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.