three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.