trivia
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May never get over this
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.