Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
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Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
congratulations to them
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.