Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably