Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
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A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
“What movie?” 🤔
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
NASA has no chill
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what