Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.