Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

My safe word is Worcestershire

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.