Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit