Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Saw online –
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there