Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I remember when things only cost an arm.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.