Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*