Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …