Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Important
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?