@NakedHangover

Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.

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@TweetPotato314

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

@victt0ri

Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight

@AlexRogaski

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

@adam_cook2014

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

@ramblinma

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

@BritXNic

Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don’t need to hear how you got together.

@indecision

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@GrantTanaka

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

@seamusmckracken

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

@Darlainky

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!