Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5