Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?