Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
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My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”