Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
You Might Also Like
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.