Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together