You Might Also Like
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
#Caturday
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches