Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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Midwest trash talk
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers