@SpacemanQuisp

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

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@jakob_huber

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

@SteveSuckington

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

@mdob11

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@PresTightrhymes

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

@AntozWolf

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

@girlontapas

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

@KenJennings

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

@jordan_stratton

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

@MichaelLarrick

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”