“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”