Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”