Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bourgeoisalien

Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.

@ivadixit

last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”

@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

@WigCannon

how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
4( drink

@IndecisiveJones

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

@dog_feelings

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

@scrueggs

Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:

@Bob_Heller

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

@dumbbeezie

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

@HomeProbably

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.