Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

Oh my God.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.