Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Same pineapple, same

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*