Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
You Might Also Like
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Brands during Pride
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Are we there yet?…
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”