Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
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Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!