[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
You Might Also Like
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Meat Cute
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet