Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,