Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.