True
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I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”