True?
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
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Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
#inspiration #foodforthought
