True?
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what