True.
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Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.