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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade