True
You Might Also Like
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.