(True)
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If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace