(True)
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.