Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Best seat on the street 😍

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.