true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff