true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You Might Also Like
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
