true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Are you ok, human???
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.