true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it