Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.