Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

my dad has had enough

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid