Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.